When it comes to movies, I can freely admit that I’ve seen a lot of them. Some of them were good, some were not. That being said, there have been some that I saw that escaped all logic and recognition. This is the list of the worst – according to me. I know there are some that people will disagree on, but that’s okay; we’re all entitled to our opinions. So, without any further pretense, here is my list…in no specific order.
Before 1997, the only thing people thought about when you mentioned the word “Titanic” was the fact that it hit an iceberg and sank. After 1997, the thinking grace of Titanic shifted from that to the curmudgeonly annoying duo of Leonardo DiCaprio and James Cameron. Now, don’t get me wrong: Leo DiCaprio is a fine actor, and James Cameron is a competent director and cinematographer. However, what Cameron is NOT is a gifted screenplay writer. He decides to turn what was the most disastrous accident of its time into a love story between DiCaprio and Kate Winslett. The this movie had a few nice touches, though. The first was that the cinematography and effects were spectacular. The second was that the ship looked fantastic when it began its descent into the icy dregs. Finally, and most importantly, it was that it gave us the benefit of seeing Kate Winslett naked.
Oh, look…it’s James Cameron again. Not only is he back, no one told him that his writing sucked from his last effort. Not only that, the male lead was horrendous. I don’t care what anybody says, Sam Worthington couldn’t act his way out of a walk-in closet, much less a script that’s less than competent. The effects were spectacular, the score was magnificent, and the cinematography was beautiful. The rest of it was just horrendous, and I can’t get over the fact that the male lead was as competent as a block of wood. Oh, back to the script…it wasn’t so much that the script was bad, it was more of a mad-libs version of a script. They took the stories from The Last Samurai, Dances With Wolves, and Pocahontas and changed it to an alien landscape. That’s not original; that’s cheap. Also, note to Hollywood: these stories of the white man coming to save the noble savages aren’t inspirational; they’re insulting. Cut that shit out.
Major League: Back to the Minors
The first movie was a classic, and the second movie had some redeeming value to it. How do they follow this up? With a turd dongle of a movie. This is one of those that had no redeeming points to it. At all. It didn’t kill the careers of Scott Bakula and Dennis Haysbert, but it pretty much killed those of everyone else. There is absolutely nothing positive I can say about that movie; all points of the movie stunk. Acting, writing, directing, score, cinematography, al was an epic fail. No, wait. When it comes to the baseball parlance, I have to dub this a Natinals Fail in honor of the Washington Nationals and their misspelled uniforms. The best part of this movie was the end, as I stormed out of the theater in disgust.
The Big Hit
This movie was horrible. Just plain old horrible. This was a fail from the word go. The fact that Avery Brooks was involved in this movie just makes me sick. It was a clusterfuck in every way, from a dorky Mark Wahlberg to a spectacularly pathetic Lou Diamond Phillips jumping around like he was the token black man in a bad action movie. The fact that this movie was even released in theaters is a testament to the horrifically bad decision making in Hollywood. And, what the hell was up with Bokeem Woodbine? It’s bad enough that he plays a clichéd angry black man in every movie he’s in, he does so for non-laughs in this one…up to and including being a regular in an adult video section. Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.
Why Did I Get Married Too?
What. The. Fuck? I know I’ve said that some of these movies have no redeeming values, but this one takes the cake for a disaster film waiting to happen. The fact that there are some people out there who try to defend this dingleberry of a movie is disgraceful. There are those that say “You don’t get it.” Well, you know what? I’ve seen enough movies to know when it’s a steaming pile of shit. This one takes the cake in the race to the most unbelievable premise ever. The first one was okay; not great, but okay, but this one…you know what? Just read my review here.
Now, some of these are beautiful in certain aspects (music, cinematography, effects), but lacking in others (story, entertainment value, acting). If you recall, I did write a blog notating what I considered to be a good movie (if you missed it, you can find it here), but some good parts aren’t enough to offer any redeeming value at all. Others are…well, let’s face it: others are pure shit.
Now, I’m smart enough to realize that there are going to be people who disagree with my assessment, and I expect that. So, feel free to hit up the comments section and let me know if you think I’m an asshole for thinking this way, or if you agree with me. I can take it either way it goes.