29th May2011

My Worst of the Worst

by Mr. Joseph

When it comes to movies, I can freely admit that I’ve seen a lot of them.  Some of them were good, some were not.  That being said, there have been some that I saw that escaped all logic and recognition.  This is the list of the worst – according to me.  I know there are some that people will disagree on, but that’s okay; we’re all entitled to our opinions.  So, without any further pretense, here is my list…in no specific order.

Titanic

titanic_ver2_xlgBefore 1997, the only thing people thought about when you mentioned the word “Titanic” was the fact that it hit an iceberg and sank.  After 1997, the thinking grace of Titanic shifted from that to the curmudgeonly annoying duo of Leonardo DiCaprio and James Cameron.  Now, don’t get me wrong: Leo DiCaprio is a fine actor, and James Cameron is a competent director and cinematographer.  However, what Cameron is NOT is a gifted screenplay writer.  He decides to turn what was the most disastrous accident of its time into a love story between DiCaprio and Kate Winslett.  The this movie had a few nice touches, though.  The first was that the cinematography and effects were spectacular.  The second was that the ship looked fantastic when it began its descent into the icy dregs.  Finally, and most importantly, it was that it gave us the benefit of seeing Kate Winslett naked.

 

Avatar

Oh, look…it’s James Cameron again.  Not only is he back, no one told him that his writing sucked from his last effort.  Not only that, the male lead was horrendous.  I don’t care what anybody says, Sam Worthington couldn’t act his way out of a walk-in closet, much less a script that’s less than competent.  The effects were spectacular, the score was magnificent, and the cinematography was beautiful.  The rest of it was just horrendous, and I can’t get over the fact that the male lead was as competent as a block of wood.  Oh, back to the script…it wasn’t so much that the script was bad, it was more of a mad-libs version of a script.  They took the stories from The Last Samurai, Dances With Wolves, and Pocahontas and changed it to an alien landscape.  That’s not original; that’s cheap.  Also, note to Hollywood: these stories of the white man coming to save the noble savages aren’t inspirational; they’re insulting.  Cut that shit out.

 

Major League: Back to the Minors

major_league_back_to_the_minors_xlgThe first movie was a classic, and the second movie had some redeeming value to it.  How do they follow this up?  With a turd dongle of a movie.  This is one of those that had no redeeming points to it.  At all.  It didn’t kill the careers of Scott Bakula and Dennis Haysbert, but it pretty much killed those of everyone else.  There is absolutely nothing positive I can say about that movie; all points of the movie stunk.  Acting, writing, directing, score, cinematography, al was an epic fail.  No, wait.  When it comes to the baseball parlance, I have to dub this a Natinals Fail in honor of the Washington Nationals and their misspelled uniforms.  The best part of this movie was the end, as I stormed out of the theater in disgust.

 

 

The Big Hit

big_hitThis movie was horrible.  Just plain old horrible.  This was a fail from the word go.  The fact that Avery Brooks was involved in this movie just makes me sick.  It was a clusterfuck in every way, from a dorky Mark Wahlberg to a spectacularly pathetic Lou Diamond Phillips jumping around like he was the token black man in a bad action movie.  The fact that this movie was even released in theaters is a testament to the horrifically bad decision making in Hollywood.  And, what the hell was up with Bokeem Woodbine?  It’s bad enough that he plays a clichéd angry black man in every movie he’s in, he does so for non-laughs in this one…up to and including being a regular in an adult video section.  Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

 

 

Why Did I Get Married Too?

why_did_i_get_married_tooWhat. The. Fuck?  I know I’ve said that some of these movies have no redeeming values, but this one takes the cake for a disaster film waiting to happen.  The fact that there are some people out there who try to defend this dingleberry of a movie is disgraceful.  There are those that say “You don’t get it.”  Well, you know what?  I’ve seen enough movies to know when it’s a steaming pile of shit.  This one takes the cake in the race to the most unbelievable premise ever.  The first one was okay; not great, but okay, but this one…you know what?  Just read my review here.

 

 

 

 

Now, some of these are beautiful in certain aspects (music, cinematography, effects), but lacking in others (story, entertainment value, acting).  If you recall, I did write a blog notating what I considered to be a good movie (if you missed it, you can find it here), but some good parts aren’t enough to offer any redeeming value at all.  Others are…well, let’s face it: others are pure shit.

Now, I’m smart enough to realize that there are going to be people who disagree with my assessment, and I expect that.  So, feel free to hit up the comments section and let me know if you think I’m an asshole for thinking this way, or if you agree with me.  I can take it either way it goes.

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28th May2011

Pretty Easy

by Mr. Joseph

easy_a_xlgToday was a pretty dull day here, and I decided I needed something to occupy my time with.  Thankfully, Netflix came to the rescue by providing me with a pretty easy outlet.  The movie I decided to watch today was the Screen Gems picture Easy A.  The movie,  rated PG-13, stars Emma Stone, Amanda Bynes, Penn Badgley, Thomas Haden church, Patricia Clarkson, Lisa Kudrow, and Stanley Tucci.  The movie is a VERY loose retelling of The Scarlet Letter, and it has all the makings of what could be a teen classic akin to some of the classics of the 80s, but it could also be a disaster like the infamous films of the 90s.  Which does it hit?  Only one way to find out.

Olive Penderghast (Emma Stone) is a bit of an average teenager.  She spends most of her days hanging out with her friend Rhiannon (Alyson Michalka), enjoying the lessons from her favorite teacher Mr. Griffith (Thomas Haden Church), and being relatively ignored by the student body.  One day, Rhiannon asks her to go camping trip, but instead of saying no, she says she has a date with a college friend of her older brothers.  The following Monday, she lied and told Rhiannon that they slept together instead of spending her weekend in her bedroom.  This story is heard by the school Christian zealot, Marianne Bryant (Amanda Bynes), and she begins to spread the story throughout the school.  Eventually, word gets to Brandon (Dan Byrd), a closeted homosexual.  Brandon pleads with Olive to pretend to sleep with him to help with his reputation.  She reluctantly agrees, and they fake the deed at a house party.  Eventually, word gets around that she’s the go-to girl for boosting their reputations, and Olive is stuck trying to keep up the act.

911160 - EASY ASo, what worked in this movie…well, for starters, Emma Stone has a great comedic wit to her.  I also liked the interaction she had with Patricia Clarkson and Stanley Tucci who play her parents.  Thomas Haden Church is a bit underused in this film, but it’s not his place to be the scene stealer, and his character works.  Penn Badgley has a rather miniscule role, and his stuff with Emma Stone is endearing, but he fills the role of the resident cute guy, so he’s not really expected to do much.  Another rather funny character was her adopted black brother Chip, who was played by Bryce Clyde Jenkins.  He didn’t have a whole lot of scenes in the movie, but the scenes he had were great.  In fact, one of his best scenes came with Stanley Tucci.

What didn’t work?  Well, I really didn’t like Amanda Bynes’ character.  She is an incredible zealot, and horrifically annoying.  I wanted to punch a kitten every time she was on the screen, and I wanted to step on that same kitten whenever she opened her mouth.  That being said, a lot of Christian zealots act pretty similar to the way Bynes did, so I guess it fits.  Also, I wasn’t too fond of the necessity to throw a song and dance in near the end of the movie.  In fact, it was quite annoying.  And, finally…can’t Malcolm McDowell sit his ass down somewhere?  He always seems to find himself in everything imaginable.  It’s almost as if he’s standing on a street corner with a sign saying “Will Act For Food.”  I understand everyone needs a hobby, but good grief!

up-Easy_AThe movie was directed by Will Gluck, and I have to be honest here…I have no earthly idea who he is.  Looking at some of his stuff on his Wikipedia page, I still have no earthly idea who he is.  From the looks of things, he’s a comedic director and writer, so I guess he’s okay.  The score was completely infinitesimal, and it doesn’t even bear mentioning here.

This was a fairly entertaining movie.  It had its laugh out loud moments, and I kind of sympathized with Olive’s plight; she never got any real attention early on, but the attention she ended up getting was the kind she didn’t want.  In the grand scheme of things, it had some pretty healthy throwbacks to movies of old (Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Can’t Buy Me Love, and Say Anything), as well as a pretty interesting setup (The Scarlet Letter – 1934) and an even better payoff (The Scarlet Letter – 1995).  In the end, this was a very good movie that was about a stone’s throw away from being a great movie.  So, I feel comfortable enough to rate this film four times More Epic Than Love Jones.  I’m not mad that I watched it, and I wouldn’t have a problem watching it again.

It was certainly worth the wait.

Easy-A-Chilling-With-the-Family-15-9-10-kc1

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21st May2011

Steady Tide

by Mr. Joseph

pirates_of_the_caribbean_on_stranger_tides_ver9_xlgAs the Summer Blockbuster season continues in full swing, so do the movies themselves.  Today’s movie hearkens a return to the swashbuckling pirate Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.  The Walt Disney Pictures film – the fourth in the successful series based off the amusement park ride – stars Johnny Depp, Pénelope Cruz, Ian McShane, and Geoffrey Rush.  This movie has been billed as a return to what made the first film such an instant classic: a stand-alone story and the witty banter that only Johnny Depp can provide.  Does it live up to its lofty expectations, or does it falter much like At World’s End did?  Only one way to find out for sure.

The movie in Spain, where a couple of Spaniards find a body tangled up in their line.  Thinking he is dead, they go to try to retrieve his effects, only to find out that the man is still alive.  They take him to the King of Spain who finds out that the old man knew of Ponce de Léon, and that he was one of those looking for the Fountain of Youth.  The king orders an expedition to take effect immediately, and this gets to King George (Richard Griffiths).  King George issues Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), now a privateer for the British Navy, to go search for it.  Meanwhile, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is on dual duty: he’s trying to save his first mate Joshamee Gibbs (Kevin McNally) from the gallows as well as trying to find out who’s impersonating him to set sail for the Fountain of Youth.  Along the way, he runs into Angelica (Pénelope Cruz) and the fearsome Blackbeard (Ian McShane), and the chase is on, with the Fountain of Youth being the ultimate goal.

At this point, I would normally go into detail about the principal characters and the actors portraying them.  Not this time, though; this time, I’m going to talk about what worked and what didn’t.  So…what worked?

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDESWhat worked for this movie was the witty banter.  The movie moved along briskly when there is a healthy amount of conversation between Jack Sparrow and Angelica, or Jack Sparrow and Barbossa, or Jack Sparrow and Blackbeard.  The dialogue was crisp and the flow was smooth.  The score also worked…somewhat.  Hans Zimmer returned to deliver a pretty good score, and the themes for Blackbeard and Barbossa work well when they’re interwoven with the right scenes.

What didn’t work?  Well, like I mentioned above, the movie moves briskly when the principals are involved with each other.  When they’re not – which really does happen a bit – it’s sluggish.  There are points in the movie that it’s slow regardless of what the main cast does, but it picks up when they get to White Calf Bay. Until that point, it meanders a bit much.  There is also a subplot featuring a Christian missionary and a mermaid that felt completely out of place and I feel the movie would’ve been a whole lot faster without them.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)<br /> JOHNNY DEPP and PENELOPE CRUZRob Marshall replaced Gore Verbinski as the director, and he did a fairly decent job with what he was presented.  There have been a lot of complaints about the action scenes not being filmed well, and that is pretty true up until the mermaids themselves arrive.  When you see them onscreen, they are mystifying…until they reveal their true colors, at which point you’re stunned with what you see.  Not only that, another one of their scenes is particularly frightening, and let me just say that those ain’t seagulls you’re hearing.  Like I mentioned, Hans Zimmer did the score, and it did work for some parts.  At times, the score seemed a bit muted, and that’s not what you expect from a Zimmer scored film.

I enjoyed this movie, but it was painfully obvious that something was missing.  There were points that I could have done without, and points I would’ve loved to see more of, but the whole is a sum of its parts.  What those parts are is subject to your own interpretation, but it wasn’t that bad.  With that in mind, I feel confident in rating this movie three times More Epic than Love Jones, and it’s a competent matinée flick.  Whether you choose to see it in 2D (like me) or 3D is up to you, but it’s a pretty good time overall.

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07th May2011

Mjolnir Beckons

by Mr. Joseph

ThorThis is one of my favorite times of the year.  Temperatures get higher, people get more relaxed, and the summer blockbuster season begins.  People may argue that it began last week with Fast Five, but not for me; for me, it began this weekend.  Today’s movie is the Marvel Studios presentation Thor.  This movie – released by Paramount Pictures – stars Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, and Stellan Skarsgård.  This movie is another tent pole in the Marvel universe leading up to next year’s film The Avengers, and this is another fine entry into a universe that began with Iron Man and goes forth from there.

The movie begins in New Mexico, where astrophysicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), grad student Darcy Lewis (Kat Dennings), and Jane’s mentor Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgård) are driving in the deserts of New Mexico looking for a link to some strange goings on that Jane had been noticing as of late.  Suddenly, a strange light falls from the sky and a man falls out – right in front of her car.  The movie then flashes to 965 A.D.  Odin (Anthony Hopkins), king of Asgard, fights in a war against the Frost Giants and their leader Laufey (Colm Feore) to keep them from taking over the Nine Realms of Yggdrasil.  Through a series of events Thor disappoints Odin with his actions, and is banished to Earth.  From here, the movie really begins, with Thor having to realize how to be humble in order to ascend to his rightful place.

ThorChris Hemsworth is very capable as the Norse God Thor.  He was able to carry the look and the arrogance that was needed in the beginning, and it was fun to watch him grow as the movie went on.  I hadn’t seen much of Hemsworth since his ten minute opening scene in Star Trek as George Kirk, but he really made his mark in this film.

I’ve mentioned before how I feel about Natalie Portman (for proof, see Black Swan), and I love every chance I get to see her on screen.  She plays Jane Foster very convincing, although I do have a slight issue with how the movie turns a brilliant astrophysicist into a lovesick puppy with the flick of a wrist.  That being said, she did well, and she did her trademark crying, too.

The one I really loved seeing was Tom Hiddleston.  I’m incredibly unfamiliar with his body of work, but I refuse to sit idly by and not try to find more of his films.  Simply put, he was spectacular as Loki.  Everyone knows Loki as a mischievous God, almost to the point of ducking around corners and cackling maniacally.  Not this Loki.  Hiddleston plays him as a sympathetic villain, and you almost see where he’s coming from when he does what he does.  On top of that, he actually makes you feel sorry for him once you find out his motivation for everything.

For someone like Odin, you need someone who has a regal presence and can carry the gravitas a role like that would require.  However, since Sean Connery is good and retired, the filmmakers decided to get Anthony Hopkins instead.  Of course I’m kidding, but this is an actually controlled and muted performance by Hopkins.  It’s almost as if he was trying his best not to revert to the slithering character he has played as of late, and he deserves a big thank you for that.

SifStellan Skarsgård plays the part of Erik Selvig, and he does what his character is meant to do: play a sort of father figure to Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings’ characters.  He has some pretty good scenes there near the end, but one of my favorite scenes was one that he shared with Thor in a bar.  Let’s put it like this: he drank, he laughed, and he honored his ancestors well.  I couldn’t imagine the movie without him.

This movie is directed by Kenneth Branagh, and let me just go on record as saying I love him as a director.  He comes from the world of Shakespeare, but he knows how to get the best out of his actors.  This was his first big blockbuster film, but you wouldn’t know it from his directing ability.  The score was done by Patrick Doyle, and – whereas it wasn’t totally forgettable – it was virtually boring.  The last thing I heard him score was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but that score was unremarkable as well.  What wasn’t unremarkable was the CGI; the work they did in making Asgard look like a real place was simply phenomenal.  The Bifröst Bridge was really breathtaking, and the cinematography was outstanding.

This is how you kick off the summer blockbuster season.  There have been many good movies that served as starting points for the movies to come, and this is just another example of how to do it right.  There were some scenes that seemed a bit off at first, but they eventually found their way in successfully.  The score may not have been that great, but I’d be really picky if I didn’t consider this movie five times More Epic Than Love Jones.  Run – don’t walk – to see this as soon as possible, and prepare yourself for a good time.

Your ancestors would be proud.

The Coronation of Thor

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06th May2011

Speech Impediment

by Mr. Joseph

This has not been a good few months for the Pittsburgh Steelers. First, they have to deal with “Big” Ben Roethlisberger deciding he wanted to get a college girl drunk and show her “Little Ben” in a Georgia bathroom, costing him .  Then, they lose “Big” Ben for four games due to his indecent exposure and drunken issues.  This doesn’t hurt the Steelers as they make it to the Super Bowl, only to lose to the Green Bay Packers.  Then, they discover another one of their players has loose lips.

Rashard Mendenhall posted some rather inflammatory tweets over the past few days saying that he didn’t quite understand the excitement and celebration over the death of Osama Bin Laden.  He had a few comments to make via Twitter, but the one that drew the most ire was:

“What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side.”

Now, this hits a slippery slope. While listening to the Dan Patrick Show, Dan said someone was talking about Mendenhall’s rights as they pertain to freedom of speech. This has been a gigantic rallying cry for people like Mendenhall (who hasn’t said anything about it, per se), former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin, and former beauty contestant Carrie Prejean who decide to scream whenever someone disagrees with their opinion. Now, I have a problem with people complaining about that, and here’s why.

What people fail to realize is that freedom of speech is a two way street. You have every right to say whatever the hell you want whenever the hell you want.  That being said, so does everyone else.  You can say whatever tickles your happy place, but you can’t be mad when someone else says something that you disagree with.  For example, Mendenhall can say that he doesn’t think that two planes could take down the World Trade Center, and I can say he’s a fucking idiot.  Carrie Prejean can complain about people asking her questions she feels are inappropriate, and I can say that she needs to put her big girl thong on and face the consequences.  Sarah Palin can complain about people in the “lamestream” media twisting and contorting her words to turn them against her, and I can say that she’s a moron who doesn’t realize that she’s part of the aforementioned “lamestream” media and that she’s twisting and contorting the words of other people to turn them against them.

Everyone has freedom of speech, and everyone has the right to use it at their whim. But, don’t get mad because someone uses theirs to call you an idiot. That makes you a hypocrite…and no better than those who do the complaining in the first place.

Category : Current Events, Politics
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02nd May2011

Wrong Time and Place

by Mr. Joseph

So, in case you’ve been sleeping under a rock for the past couple of hours, President Obama came on the air and reported the death of noted terrorist Osama bin Laden.  This is a momentous occasion in World History, but there seems to be a problem.

Some folks can’t go through life without bringing their flavor of politics in this debate.

Listen, people…this is not the time for partisan politics.  Far from it.  Y’know what?  I’ve already spoke on this, so I think I’ll just put it here in case some people missed it:

Some of you motherfuckers can’t appreciate a great achievement in World history without bringing partisan politics into it. Damn!
This man has been responsible for killing thousands of American citizens, and you can’t erase party lines for one fucking night?
If this is you, then do yourself a favor and defriend me and get the fuck out of my life.

I’m really sick and tired of people on both aisles puffing out their damn chests screaming for superiority.  Seriously, go fuck yourselves.  This isn’t about being a Democrat or a Republican; this is about being an American.

This is about avenging the 17 Determined Warriors who were killed when the USS Cole was attacked on October 12, 2000.  This is about avenging the thousands of lives that were affected by the attacks of September 11, 2001.  This ISN’T about some of you jerking off your respective political mascots and touting which one is best and which one sucks.

If you can’t put party lines aside for one night, then you fail at life.

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